Lumbersexual: What is this Bullshit?

This is the point we’ve reached in our society: Lumbersexual is a real word and there are people who know what it means.

My first thought upon hearing this new term was “WTF is lumbersexual and is this a joke or is this perchance not a joke?” Turns out it’s no joke. Lumbersexual is a real thing and for those of you who’ve never heard the term, I offer you the peace and satisfaction of never finding out. Leave now. It’s ok.

On a side note, when I Googled “what is lumbersexual,” it auto completed to “what is lumbersexual mean.” Learn some fucking grammar you internet troglodytes! Jesus Christ… I need a drink.

Anyway, if you’re still here, let’s start with a picture.

“Wow, that guy is manly as fuck, is that an 8 pack!?” you may have just exclaimed. If you are a lady reading this, there’s a good chance that your pants just shot off of your body in a fit of excitement. If you need to stop and pleasure yourself, I’ll wait.

Done? Ok. Gross. You all need some impulse control.

So as far as the style goes, I can’t really complain much about people adopting a rugged style of dress and saying it’s fashionable. The guy looks good, you can’t deny him that, but he’s obviously a model. Here’s a more realistic representation of the movement.

I’m going to set your heart/dick on fire.

Still a model, but at least he’s got his god damn shirt on. Look how he’s portrayed, though. A true outdoors man wearing flannel and hauling firewood so that he can burn a body or something. I don’t have a problem with most men’s style, even if I think it looks like shit, but I DO have a problem with people using a specific style as a deceptive tool to create the illusion of a personal quality that simply isn’t there. In this case, it’s manliness. The picture above is no more a picture of a lumber jack than a Halloween store’s Slutty Police Officer costume is a picture of a real female cop. The lumbersexual model sits in a climate controlled dressing room while the photographer readies the set. Then he comes out and looks serious and pensive for a few minutes and goes home. His chief worry for the day is that Starbucks will fuck up his mocha soy latte. A real lumberjack’s chief worry is that he’ll fall off of a floating log and get sucked into an icy river and die. There’s a difference.

Here’s a picture of a real lumberjack.

How do your pants feel now, ladies?

The reason I instantly revolted against the idea of lumbersexuality is because it’s so obviously a façade. There is nothing authentic about the lumbersexual style. At least Goth and Emo kids have a reason for wearing what they do. Lumberjacks wear certain clothing because it’s utilitarian and suits their purpose. Lumbersexuality is shallow tripe disguised as a unique and interesting fad harkening back to occupational roots that no lumbersexual has even bothered to explore. The absolute ridiculousness of this whole movement is clear as soon as you read a definition of the term. According to the Urban Dictionary, lumbersexual is subclass or extension of metrosexual where a man “has the need to hold on to some outdoor based rugged-ness (nice typo, UD), thus opting to keep a finely trimmed beard.” So here’s where I rage. What the fuck does a finely trimmed beard have to do with being rugged or outdoorsy?

If that definition doesn’t make sense, try this one: “lumbersexual men build their own dressers and know the secret location of wild blackberries.” Yeah, not only did somebody make that actual statement, but it was published in a famously popular woman’s magazine. Want to guess which one?

Fuck you, Cosmo. But not you, Nina Dobrev. We love you.

Wow. I knew Cosmo was a cesspool of ignorance and stupidity, but they surpassed all expectations there. I guarantee you that there is not a single lumbersexual male in this world that can build a dresser or even knows what the hell a blackberry bush looks like. Hint: it has blackberries on it, jackass. Another description states that “the lumbersexual man traded in his days of tree felling for hitting up hipster bars, and instead of wielding an axe, he now carries around a MacBook Pro (Elite Daily).” It’s funny, I saw that exact same definition under the heading Douchebag.

Let’s analyze Elite Daily’s statement for a moment, though. What they’re basically saying is that the lumbersexual traded in an extremely difficult, brutal, and comparatively low paying career to go fuck off in bars with an expensive laptop. Clearly lumberjacks don’t really need the income. They love log surfing and pulling around massive logs otherwise they would all drop lumberjacking, buy expensive laptops, and pick up a state issued douchebag ID.The ED’s definition of lumbersexual itself tells you how disconnected with the origin of its style the movement really is. In the same breath, it also boldly asserts that lumbersexuals are completely full of shit. If we want to go into even more obscure and bullshit territory, GearJunkie.com describes the lumbersexual as “a master of the retro Instagram filter.” I don’t know what that is supposed to mean in relation to men’s fashion, but I guess that lumbersexuals are the only ones in the world who are better at Instagram than a teenage girl.

Another HUGE problem I have with this movement is that it’s dangerously close to a popular military look. Now, military men can cross over to the lumbersexual look and lose all the credibility they want, but we’re too close to mistaking the legitimate and badass Mid-East Tactical with a fashion trend that’s better suited for a caricature than a real person.

 Mid-East Tactical. Remove the equipment and uniform and it’s nearly identical, but in looks only.

So are women attracted to the lumbersexual look and lifestyle, you ask? I have no idea. Maybe? Stupid men attract stupid women. Maybe I’m a relic of years past and maybe I’m out of touch with mainstream culture, but I truly cling to the idea that classic manliness is still a trait that is held with value in the eyes of men and women around the world. I say this with all my satire aside. Manliness is a personal quality that is falling out of fashion. I’m not talking about the funny and satirical stereotypes of manliness, but the real root values of what being a man is all about. Strong, stoic, smart, and capable is giving way to edgy, hip, and pedantic quirkiness.

No… Just, no.

I know a guy who is a former police officer and is now a model/bit actor for small TV and movie roles. His Facebook page looks like it was copied word for word from the page of a 14 year old girl. There are pictures of him and his muscles everywhere along with complaints about how hard it is to find clothes that really accent his lats and how he wishes he didn’t have to bike 5 miles to buy free range kale. For all his good looks, rugged appearance, and acting jobs where he’s cast as manly people, he’s not manly. He is self-absorbed and prissy. The point is, being manly has nothing to do with what you look like and everything to do with who you are. Manliness is and always will be a state of mind that is expressed to those around you by your actions and not your style.

If you want to grow a beard, strap on some jeans, a flannel shirt, and carry an axe around, go for it. Just be careful because the axe will probably inspire a negative confrontation with the police. If you want to leave the axe at home, then know that there’s nothing wrong with the clothing choice of lumbersexuals. I have a problem with the culture and the mindset that seems to be shared by the group. If the primary way you showcase your masculinity is to adopt a certain style that looks manly, then you’re a poser and a fraud. Man up. You are, at best, an attempt at a stylized imitation of something masculine and awesome. You’ve stolen visual icons of a manly profession and made them your own while discarding the soul of the style that makes it manly. Beyond the expensive flannel and designer boots, however, you’re still the mocha soy latte drinking yuppie that dove headfirst into the metrosexual phase. Don’t worry, though. Another phase will come along in a few years that you can tie your masculine identity to and we can all forget about lumbersexualism. If the world is lucky, though, the next fad will be called blacksmithsensual. I may actually hop on board with that one.

Concept only. Fashion trend coming in 2019

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