Let’s face it. If you’ve been living life in the manliest way possible, then you will no doubt run into a gun battle before you die. Hopefully, it won’t be right before you die as that is usually an indicator of an unsuccessful fight. Maybe you’ve kicked a terrorist out the back of a 747 in mid flight or you’ve foiled a plot to steal millions of dollars in bonds from an Asian sounding high rise building. Either way, you’re going to make some enemies during your journey to ultimate manliness and as with all things manly, we’ve got your back. That’s why we’ve taken the time to write some critical life saving tips that will hopefully extend your badass existence.
1. Buy a Gun
This is a pretty critical step. You’ve heard the phrase “don’t bring a knife to a gunfight.” That’s good advice. However, most men don’t carry knives on them which is a shame. So the phrase could also read, “don’t bring car keys and an empty pack of gum to a gunfight.” The principle is the same. Bring a gun to a gun fight. If you can, bring a bigger gun than the other guy has to the gun fight. If you have a gun already, congratulations! Verify that your gun is on the approved LOM list and proceed directly to step two.
Not a gun.
If you don’t already have a gun, then there are dozens of manufactures out there to choose from. Take your pick. Just know that you get what you pay for. It’s decidedly un-badass to buy a gun that doesn’t work. Here is a list of LOM approved firearms guaranteed to work nicely in the even the most demanding conditions.
- Glock
- Heckler & Koch
- Smith and Wesson
- Springfield
- FN (Fabrique Nationale)
Also approved by LoM.
2. Learn to Shoot
No, shooting is not a manherent skill that everyone just knows because they’re men. It also doesn’t matter how good you are at Call of Duty, you’re still probably a crappy shot. Shooting is all about practice. Not just any practice, but you need to practice the right technique. Do you believe in the phrase “practice makes perfect?” Yeah? Good for you. That phrase is 100% bullshit. Practice makes permanent. Practice crap technique you’re ensuring crap performance. Training provided by a competent and reputable instructor is invaluable. I have taught hundreds of students how to shoot including federal police officers, security professionals, former and active military, and even a one armed student. All but one of my students were successful in achieving their shooting goals and I was even able to save a few security professionals from failing their firearms qualifications and losing their jobs.
You’re welcome, friendly security guard Carter!
The point is that shooting is easy, but if you’re not doing it right, it’s all guess work. There are established principles governing every aspect of putting a bullet through the bullseye on a target. If you’ve perfected the fundamentals, you’re good to go. Even if you’re a decent shot, enroll yourself in a quality instructional program if you haven’t already. You’ll be better for it.
3. Learn to Shoot for Real
Fact: The accuracy of trained law enforcement officers is about 17% during an armed engagement. The average handgun holds 15 rounds. If you are as well trained as a typical law enforcement officer, you might hit your target with 2.5 of those 15 shots. 90% of your shots will strike non-vital parts of the body. If you’re right handed, statistics say that you will likely strike your target in the left arm, hip, or leg area.
You see, shooting a person is stressful. Shooting a person who is shooting at you is even more stressful. So queue up some quality montage music and put yourself through a rigorous combat shooting program. High stress situations have a tendency to remove a person’s ability to think cognitively. We lose the ability to think about our technique and we react based strictly on muscle memory. If you’ve never shot at a target while moving or ducking behind cover, you’re probably going to suck at it. Get some intermediate to advanced defensive pistol training and develop proper muscle memory through technically flawless repetition.
4. Gymnastics
What’s the good in winning a gun fight if you can’t do so whilst jumping through the air to perform a double twist right before you pull off a perfect double tap? Enroll in some gymnastics lessons.
She’s deciding whether or not to let you live.
5. Fight Crime
There are dozens of instances each year where people defend themselves against random acts of violence with firearms. Statistics say, however, that you won’t be one of those people. Besides, the best gunfights are always the ones spawned by a deep seated personal vendetta. If you don’t already have somebody in your life with a murderous grudge against you, then start fighting some crime. With any luck, you’ll quickly develop solid relationships with bad people who will eventually want to kill you.
6. Get Your Game Face On (GYGFO)
If you’ve followed the steps so far, an armed assailant will be creeping up behind you right now in an attempt to murder you dead. But NO! You’ve read these tips and you’re prepared. You remove your Laws of Manliness approved firearm from your sleek leather holster and you jump into action. Literally. You jump at your attacker tucking into a forward flip with a 180 degree twist. Your newfound acrobatic skills stun your attacker into a moment of awestruck inaction. Using the acrobatic distraction to your benefit, you tell him to “cool off” right before your bullets send him plummeting into an open vat of liquid nitrogen. Oh yeah, you’re also in some kind of chemical plant.
And that’s that. Wait for sunset and then walk towards it to the hitchhiker music from The Incredible Hulk. You’ve survived your first gun battle. You’re welcome.
If instead of being awesome, you haven’t adequately prepared for the encounter, you may find that some of the steps above will go awry. If that’s the case, then…
7. Scream Random Movie Lines Whilst Firing Your Gun Into the Air
Will it work? No, but it WILL make you look like a crazed sociopath with little to no regard for your own survival. When your attacker gets the drop on you just scream “yippee kiyay, motherfucker! This is Sparta so GET THESE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES OFF MY MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!” while spinning around in circles and firing all of your available ammunition into the air. This will inspire two thoughts in your attacker.
- Holy crap, this guy is fucking crazy as shit. Clearly, with these actions, you are showing him that you have absolutely zero fucks to give about his pending attempt at murder. After a brief pause, you’ll be out of ammo and likely out of breath. Your attacker will shoot you, but will likely be at a loss for a witty one liner.
- The attacker might start to feel bad for planning to shoot an individual who clearly suffers from some sort of significant mental handicap. Plotting revenge against the handicapped is stupid and will hopefully take the wind out of his sails of vengeance. If you’ve made a quality nemesis, however, you’ll still get shot, but your attackers heart won’t be in it. It’s an emotional victory, but a hollow one since you’ll likely bleed to death before you can finish reading this guide.
Either way, you’re shot. If you’re lucky, you’ll live long enough to receive medical attention. You’ll be in a coma, but you’ll come out of it just in time to escape the bad guy coming to finish the job. Honestly, though, there’s really no telling what will happen to you. High speed projectiles tend to cause deep tissue damage when passing through a human body. Your chances aren’t good. I guess you should have paid a little more attention to the tips I listed above. It’s not rocket science, you know.
You, probably. If you didn’t pay attention to steps 1-6
Disclaimer: Laws of Manliness does not support or endorse any of the advice given in this article. The reader assumes any and all responsibility deriving from injuries or criminal acts caused by the adherence to any given advice or information.
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